By Michael Clark
Published in Referee Magazine, April 2025
A
sk any aspiring NCAA basketball official what the greatest assignment could be and 100% of them will tell you it is tossing the ball up Monday night in the championship game at the Final Four. On April 2, 2018, that assignment was given to Lester Douglas Sirmons. Nearly 68,000 souls filled the Alamodome that night in San Antonio to witness Villanova rout Michigan, 79-62.
“I was named after a grandfather I never met,” Sirmons said. “He passed away before I was born. My parents settled on Lester but chose for me to go by my middle name, as that is what I was called from infancy.
“My father, Doug Sr., did the same thing as well, going by his middle name, Douglas. I had never thought of going by Lester as it was foreign to me since everybody called me Doug.
“Truth be known, though, I never really liked the name Lester. When I was in school teachers would announce my name and kids would tease me and give me grief because it was easy to rhyme with a word I would prefer not to say.”
Five hours before that pinnacle moment in his illustrious career, Sirmons was standing alone in front of a mirror at a local movie theatre … crying.
“We went to see the movie, ‘I Can Only Imagine.’ I had heard the song but had no idea what the movie was about.”
The movie tells the story of Bart Millard, lead singer for the band Mercy Me, focusing on his relationship with an alcoholic father and absent mother.
“Halfway through the movie I had to get up and leave. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and I am bawling my eyes out telling myself, ‘You’ve got to be better.’ That championship basketball game was the last thing on my mind.”
What could cause the man who has worked 20 straight NCAA tournaments, nine Final Fours and nine Elite Eights to have such a reaction?
“By the time I had turned 8 years old my biological parents, Doug Sr. and Brenda Sirmons, had seven divorces between them,” Sirmons said. “My father was an alcoholic. He was unfaithful. I remember when I was almost 7 my mother took me and my siblings to visit my dad, and she never came back to get us. I lived with him for the next 2½ years.”
Some of you reading this story are familiar with the pain Sirmons is describing. Perhaps you can recall the eerie silence as you lay in bed hoping to fall asleep before the alcoholic starts to raise his voice leading to cursing, abuse and often the sound of broken glass.
“When I was 6, my grandfather came to the house with a gun and was visibly upset and my mom had him arrested,” Sirmons said. “That same year I can remember sitting next to my mom, who was crying at the police station because my stepfather had been killed by the police.
“When I was 8, I remember going to court for a custody battle,” Sirmons continued. “My dad ended up marrying his best friend’s wife, who he had been cheating with. The judge ruled that my younger sister, Lisa, and I had to stay with my dad, but my older sister, Kim, got to go with my mom. I left the courtroom crying not understanding why my younger sister and I had to stay but my older sister got to go.”
Several months later Sirmons and his mother, along with his sister Kim, were reunited.
“My dad, to his credit, realized he was not in a good season of life as he was in the middle of a divorce,” Sirmons said. “He asked Brenda to come get these kids. ‘It’s best for them to be with you.’ We felt like we had been rescued. We were excited.”
Sirmons’ mom got remarried to Dale Smith, a police officer and veteran of the United States Air Force, a man she would spend the remainder of her life with until his death in 2023.
“Dale Smith was 34 years old when he came into my life,” Sirmons said. “He didn’t know me or my sisters and yet he took on three kids.”
It was an act Sirmons would not completely understand until, thanks to some help from above, he finally fully accepted a similar situation himself.
“I met my wife, Natividad, Tiv for short, when I was 28. She had two children ages 6 and 9 and I wasn’t mature enough to handle that. It was not until I was 50 and found the Lord that I thought, ‘How in the world could he manage three kids, and a wife divorced four times prior to that, but I could not?’”
“Meeting Doug marked the beginning of a complex journey for me,” Tiv Sirmons said. “We were engaged at one point, but we canceled our wedding because deep down, I understood that true commitment required a different foundation, one that we did not have at the time. Life led us apart, and though we eventually reconnected, marriage was no longer my main focus. I believed wholeheartedly that if we put the Lord first, everything else would fall into place.
“I prayed for Doug’s heart to be filled with the Lord, not for my sake, but for his, so that he could find peace and fulfillment, even if it were not with me. During that time, I struggled with the reality that his focus was primarily on work and basketball, and I often felt like I came last. Yet through it all, I trusted that God had a greater plan, and this understanding kept me going.”
Reading his story, one can clearly understand why Sirmons would have a fear of commitment. He was postponing his relationship with Tiv, while at the same time dealing with an unresolved issue with his mom.
The defining moment in Sirmons’ relationship with his mother came in 1987 when he had just graduated from Princess Anne High School in Virginia Beach, Va.
“I remember Dale and my mom had a bad argument,” Sirmons said. “My mother and I were tight. I was her favorite. The day after the argument I told her, ‘Leave. I will not go to college. We can get an apartment.’”
Brenda was against that idea. She assured her son she would be OK and that he should pursue his dream of attending college.
Some weeks later, while Brenda was out of town attending a funeral, Sirmons and his sister came across the mail and found out the family was receiving Social Security death benefit income for one of his previous stepfathers, who had been shot by the police.
“I became angry at my mom. She had been receiving money, it was not a lot of money but to me it was,” Sirmons said.
For the next week Doug and his sister refused to speak to their mother. Eventually, Dale Smith had enough and told him,“I want you out of my house.”
“I remember very vividly walking in the house, my clothes were all on the floor,” Sirmons said. “I walked into my mother’s bedroom, she was crying, and I said, ‘Is this what you want or (pointing at Dale) what he wants?’”
“I think it is what you want,” Doug remembers Brenda saying. “You will not talk to us. You are 18. You can go out on your own.”
“I had just turned 18,” Sirmons said. “I was mad. I looked at her and said, ‘If I walk out that door I will never come back.’
“It was 33 years before I walked back through that door. I only spoke to my mom twice over that period. Once when I was 21, the other time when I was 28. I had no interest in reconciliation.”
“Unforgiveness imprisons people in their past. As long as you refuse to forgive, you keep the pain alive. You’re sentencing yourself to go through life feeling as bad as you do now, and likely worse, because you fuel a lack of forgiveness.”
— Pastor John MacArthur
“The first time I ever heard anybody talk about the Lord I was at the SEC tournament around 15 years ago, when Tony Greene stood up and said, ‘We must understand how grateful and thankful we should be. We need to give thanks to the Lord,’” Sirmons said. “I was thankful but I did not know to whom I was thankful. God was not on my radar.
“The other time was with fellow official Darron George. Darron’s dad, Dennis, is a pastor. Each night I worked with Darron he would say, ‘Hey man, my dad’s praying for you.’” Sirmons would simply smile and share, “That’s good. I need those prayers.”
“Three years after meeting Tiv, we got engaged in 2001, but called it off because of me and my commitment issues and baggage I was carrying; because I did not know who to give it to. The only person I trusted was the guy in the mirror. I was going to do it my way so nobody could hurt me.”
At one point in their relationship Tiv challenged Sirmons when she said, “Am I not worthy to be your wife?”
“It was not because I doubted my own worth. Deep inside, I knew my value and the love and commitment I was capable of giving,” Tiv Sirmons said. “The question came from a place of wanting to understand what was holding him back, why he seemed unable to see me as a priority. It was less about seeking validation and more about trying to uncover why he might believe I was not deserving of that commitment or why he felt uncertain about building a life together. I needed to understand his perspective to make sense of the distance between us and his choices.”
Sirmons, who graduated from Virginia Wesleyan in 1991 with a bachelor’s degree in business management, said, “Truth was I wasn’t worthy to be her husband.”
In June 2019, Sirmons’ biological father, who had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for several years, was placed in hospice care.
“I was always able to have a normal relationship because dudes do not talk about issues. We talk about golf, sports, whatever. We could talk around stuff and did not have to address relationship issues,” Sirmons said. “I had completely forgiven him; I had no issues with him. I did not really want to go to the hospice facility, but I did. He married a wonderful woman, Kathy Sirmons, and she encouraged me to be there.”
His dad died a few days later.
“Kathy and I sat down and had wonderful conversations. She told me stuff about my dad which I did not know. My grandfather, who I was named after, was an alcoholic. My dad had a rough childhood; he had a rough life, too,” Sirmons said.
In sports and in life, so much of our success or failures can be traced to our mentors or lack thereof. Like running a relay race, the baton needs to be handed off cleanly for us to be in a position to win. It is difficult to be a role model when our own examples have put our families through many challenges. Somebody needs to break the chains of pain.
During the conversations Kathy would talk about some of the challenges they faced, and Doug would end up finishing her sentence for her. Kathy would quip, “How did you know that?”
“Because I do the same thing,” Sirmons said, realizing then that the man he had been judging was himself. “God was smacking me over the head, ‘You’re no better than your dad. You are him!’”
In 2013, Sirmons met officials Keith Patterson and John St. Clair.
“They were different. They had a peace and tranquility about them and their life. Not me,” he said. “One of my coordinators said to me one time, ‘I do not understand you. You officiate with a chip on your shoulder. You referee angry.’ Truth is, he was right. The other truth is he never took the time to get to know me as a person and find out why.”
“Last year, Doug didn’t get selected to work the Final Four,” said Patterson, who has remained an influence in his life and is a close friend today. “Ten years ago, he would have been so upset. Today he is humbled. He has peace through disappointment.”
“Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love.”
— Fred (Mr.) Rogers
Through friends like Patterson and a stranger on an airplane, Sirmons’ life was soaring in a new direction.
“In the summer of 2019 I went to a faith-based officiating conference. I did not know what to expect but during the conference I could not stop crying. Even as I returned to my room that night I was crying,” Sirmons said.
The next morning as he left for home nothing changed. “I boarded that flight and was still in tears,” he said.
He describes not wanting other passengers or staff to notice his condition. “I sat in my chair and put my arm over my face as I put my head against the window still crying.”
Sirmons then heard an inaudible, peaceful voice. “Stop crying. Stop. You did not get kicked out of your house at age 18. I took you out. That was my plan for you to have a relationship with me. I have been your father the whole time, I have been standing right here. Stop crying.”
“I walked into my home; my family was gone. I fell on my knees and said, ‘Lord, I surrender. Please forgive me. Take me and do with me what you want,’” Sirmons said.
Moments later Tiv arrived and Sirmons explained the change in his life and asked for her forgiveness.
After speaking with Tiv, “I had to tell somebody. I called Dennis George and announced I need to get baptized. I would like to do it at your church in Dallas before my game, but I want to surprise Tiv.”
Dec. 7 in our nation is a dark reminder of infamy. For Sirmons, that day in 2019 will forever be remembered as the day he turned from darkness to light and declared his faith in Jesus Christ.
“He basically told (Tiv), ‘Well, I’m getting baptized tonight,’” George said.
Sirmons had a game later that Saturday night at Southern Methodist University and asked George if he could accommodate his schedule.
“We typically don’t do baptisms on Saturday, but our staff worked it out,” George said. “Before I put him under the water he announced to the crowd, ‘Basketball is just a game. I don’t care about my status as an official. I want to be a better man.’”
George, who Sirmons describes as a modern-day Mr. Rogers, performed the baptism and proceeded to tell him, “You’ve got to forgive your mom.” The last time they spoke was 1997.
Twenty-two years. Twenty-two Mother’s Days. Twenty-two birthdays. Twenty-two years of silence.
Sirmons thought he would write her a letter to bring healing and forgiveness. He signed the letter simply, “Doug.” To this day, with a look of regret and tears in his eyes, Sirmons admits, “I couldn’t even say, ‘Love, Doug.’ We got married the following year and I did not invite her. I wanted to hurt her.”
Another surprise for his future wife was when Sirmons threw a party for her on her 55th birthday. Little did Tiv know this was also going to be her wedding day.
“Here’s the deal,” he said, a phrase he uses often. “I didn’t want to have a long engagement, didn’t want to deal with selecting four or eight people to stand up with us, all the pre-wedding drama, etc. I was 50 years old. All we needed was me, Tiv, Pastor George and the Lord.”
“When I found out I was getting married, my emotions were a whirlwind,” Tiv Sirmons said. “What was supposed to be a birthday party with playful roasts and laughter turned into the most beautiful surprise of my life. Shock washed over me as I stood there, stunned and speechless, trying to process that this was not just a celebration for another year around the sun, but the beginning of a lifelong commitment.
“It was overwhelming in the best possible way. My heart raced with disbelief, joy and a touch of nervousness as I realized that, surrounded by friends and family, I was about to marry Doug Sirmons. It was a moment I will never forget: the perfect blend of surprise, love and sheer happiness.”
Not long after the wedding Tiv pleaded with her new husband, “You’ve got to make up with your mom.”
“All I kept thinking about was what kind of example was I setting for my kids and grandkids,” Sirmons said.
A few days later he did go visit his mother and make things right. “There was a lot of crying, and she hugged me so tight. ’You can let go, Mom. I am coming back; I promise you I am coming back.’”
“God answers prayer. I said, ‘Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for sending him back to me,’” Brenda said.
“I have seen Doug go from the man who did not want anything to do with his mother, to doing everything he can to keep his family together,” Patterson said. “He is always honest, and he works hard every night. How many guys do you know that have worked nine Final Fours that would go back and work a D-II game to encourage another official?”
That official was Gabe Tucker.
The 2012 camp “was my very first camp at Middle Tennessee,” Tucker said. “I had drawn Doug’s floor. He was my evaluator. And the only thing that I remember Doug telling me was I needed to do something about my hair. I had it bleached white, and he called me ‘The Nature Boy.’
“Doug was a straight shooter. He told you what you needed to hear, not what you wanted to hear. Not knowing him, one could have drawn the conclusion that Doug was a standoffish kind of a guy. A guy that was arrogant, that would not take the time to somehow become friends with a young official.
“After that camp, I stayed connected with Doug throughout the following season, calling or texting from time to time, just to say hey or ask about a specific play. I suppose in my mind, he was answering politely. That was not the case at all. In fact, for the next several seasons and camps, the conversations happened more frequently, and we talked about a lot of other things than just officiating. A true friendship had formed. Doug became like part of my family.”
Proverbs says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.”
Your best friends are the ones who will tell you the most truth.
Tucker is hardly the only fellow official to speak highly of Sirmons’ willingness to help a brother in stripes.
“Doug Sirmons has been an incredible blessing in my life, both as a friend and a mentor,” said NBA official Mitchell Ervin. “I affectionately call him Uncle Dougie Fresh, not because he has a soul — he does have some swagger — but because I know he possesses a genuine care for people and a deep commitment to the profession of officiating.”
“Doug Sirmons is more than a good partner on the floor. He is a tremendous friend and partner off the floor as well,” said NCAA D-I official Brooks Wells. “Doug is very thoughtful, always the first text message I receive on my birthday every single year, and I did not even know he knew when my birthday was years ago. When I was just starting in Division I basketball, we would go to breakfast, lunch or dinner and Doug always made the ‘young guy’ feel included and take care of everything.”
Nomi Kidwai, another D-I official, said of Sirmons, “Doug has been a huge influence on me and my life. I learned quickly that his teaching style is old school. He is very direct and does not pull any punches. However, he will help you if you are willing to listen and put in the necessary work. If you ask for his opinion, he will give it to you straight whether you like it or not. That is exactly what I needed to hear, which helped me realize what I needed to work on if I wanted a future in this profession.”
Sirmons has a heart of gratitude today. On the basketball side he is quick to mention the late John Guthrie and Dick Bowie, two men who successfully passed the baton to Sirmons.
“Dick Bowie was ahead of his time and did not hold my age/youthfulness against me,” Sirmons said. “He took great interest in my development and constantly provided me feedback and instruction along with giving me games to work. He was teaching our high school staff the NBA three-official mechanics before college instituted it — so when they did, I already knew how to work it. He fast-tracked my development because he could see the future of officiating and was years ahead of any other high school association in the country. Because of this, I was five years ahead of everybody else in my training, even though I was younger than everybody else.
“If it were not for John Guthrie, I would not be where I am in officiating today. He saw the training I had when I attended his camp and was able to project me as a future crew chief at the age of 21. Even when I did not see it, he saw what I could be in the future and was the first coordinator to go to bat for me by calling small-college supervisors to hire me while I was still in college. He then hired me at 24 in my first D-I league and hired me in the SEC at the age of 28 while also being my advocate for other major D-I coordinators.”
Away from basketball, Doug and Tiv are now focused on being positive role models for their children and grandchildren.
“I never had biological children of my own. When I met Tiv, her kids were ages 9 and 6. I never saw them as infants or toddlers,” Sirmons said. “With our grandkids, it is as if they were my very own kids. I have been blessed to see them on arrival and watch all of them grow. The unconditional love they show me has no boundaries and I find immense joy in helping them shape their values. I would protect them with my life.”
“When Doug and I are with my kids and grandkids, I prefer not to say mine but really, they are our kids and grandkids, it fills me with such happiness,” Tiv Sirmons said. “He treats them like his own, even though he never had children himself. He is confident in thinking he knows how to raise them, and it is funny at times. Of course, he skipped out on the tough stuff — no late-night feedings, diaper changes or dealing with sick kids for him. He definitely gets the fun parts, all the smiles, games and good moments.
“But what matters most is that I can see how much he absolutely loves them. And now, with his newfound faith, that love feels even deeper and more meaningful. It is a blessing to have someone in my life who embraces my family with so much love and joy.”
“The grandkids call me Papa. One of the greatest joys I have received is when my 11-year-old granddaughter, Addison, asked me to baptize her. She could have asked anybody, but she chose me,” Sirmons said. “This gave me confirmation that I was shedding God’s light in my walk and faith — that was evident with my grandchildren.”
“He wants to do the right thing every single day when it comes to his faith walk and being a believer in Jesus Christ,” Patterson said. “His faith is his prime mission. He’s realized basketball has given him a platform. His success on the court has led to opportunities off the court.”
Have you ever seen a turtle on a fence post? You know he had some help getting there.
“Early in his career he thought his success was all him and today he recognizes it was God’s plan all along,” Patterson continued. “Basketball used to be his life and today he is using his platform to glorify Christ through officiating college basketball.
“His walk is so important; he wants to be an example to his grandkids in their faith. That movie, ‘I Can Only Imagine,’ was the centerpiece that put the puzzle together.”
What does that puzzle look like? His mom describes it.
“We have a very close relationship,” Brenda said. “The past is forgotten. The future is filled with love and closeness.”
Forgiveness.
Michael Clark, Charlotte, Mich., is a veteran of the United States Air Force and officiates high school football, basketball and baseball.
